Why Networking Feels Fake and How to Make It Authentic

I've attended countless networking events over the years. You know the scene: a room full of people in suits or smart casuals, exchanging business cards like they're trading Pokémon cards, all while smiling through small talk about the weather or weekend plans. It often feels scripted, superficial, and downright fake. If you've ever left one of those gatherings feeling more drained than energized, you're not alone. Networking is supposed to build connections that propel your career, but too often it leaves you questioning if anyone is being genuine.

Why does it feel so phony? Part of it comes down to the pressure we put on ourselves. In a competitive job market, especially in places like Lagos or Abuja where opportunities can be scarce, networking becomes a survival tactic. We show up not to learn about someone else's passions, but to pitch ourselves - our skills, our availability, our value. It's like speed dating for jobs, where the goal is to make an impression in under two minutes. That rush turns conversations into transactions, stripping away the authenticity that makes human interactions meaningful.

Another layer is the cultural script we've all inherited. From LinkedIn tutorials to career coaches, we're told to 'network' with a capital N: prepare your elevator pitch, follow up with a thank-you email, connect on social media. It's formulaic, and formulas breed inauthenticity. I remember my first big industry mixer in Nigeria. I was fresh out of university, armed with a stack of freshly printed cards, rehearsing lines in my head. When I finally approached a senior executive, my words tumbled out like a sales pitch. He nodded politely, but I could tell the spark wasn't there. We both knew it was performative, and neither of us walked away with a real connection.

The Hidden Costs of Fake Networking

Faking it through networking doesn't just waste time; it erodes trust over the long haul. When everyone is playing the same game, it's hard to spot the real opportunities amid the noise. I've seen colleagues burn out from attending event after event, collecting contacts who never respond to follow-ups. One friend in tech spent weekends at conferences, forcing conversations that felt forced, only to end up with a bloated LinkedIn network full of ghosts. The emotional toll is real - it breeds cynicism, making you doubt if any professional relationship can be sincere.

In Nigeria's context, this fakeness can feel even more pronounced. With family ties and community networks often overlapping with professional ones, the expectation to 'know someone' adds pressure. But when those connections are pursued through insincere means, they crumble under scrutiny. A study I came across from the African Leadership Forum highlighted how superficial networking leads to higher turnover in young professionals, as they chase quantity over quality.

Shifting to Authentic Connections

The good news is that networking doesn't have to feel like a choreographed dance. Authenticity starts with reframing your approach: see it as building relationships, not collecting contacts. Instead of leading with what you want, lead with curiosity. Ask questions that show genuine interest in the other person's journey. What challenges are they facing in their role? What's the one project they're most proud of? These open doors to real dialogue, not monologues.

I learned this the hard way during a pivot in my career from marketing to consulting. At a webinar on digital strategy, I ditched the pitch and instead shared a vulnerable story about a campaign I'd botched early on. The woman next to me lit up, recounting her own flop that taught her resilience. We swapped stories for an hour, and months later, she referred me to a client that kickstarted my freelance work. That connection felt earned, not engineered.

To make it practical, focus on shared values or experiences. In Nigeria, where hustling is part of the culture, bond over common struggles like navigating power outages in the office or balancing side gigs with full-time jobs. Avoid the generic 'what do you do?' and go deeper: 'What's keeping you up at night in your industry right now?' This vulnerability invites reciprocity.

Small Steps for Everyday Authenticity

You don't need grand events to network authentically. Start small in daily life. At a colleague's birthday lunch, I once turned a casual chat about jollof rice into a discussion on cultural influences in branding. It led to collaborating on a project that neither of us had anticipated. Online, comment thoughtfully on LinkedIn posts - not just 'Great insight!' but 'This reminds me of how we handled similar issues at my old firm; what was your take on X?' It signals you're paying attention, not just lurking.

Track what works by journaling after interactions. Note what felt natural and what didn't. Over time, you'll refine your style, weeding out the fake elements. Remember, authenticity isn't about being perfect; it's about being present. People can sense when you're forcing it, and they'll respond better to your true self.

Building Lasting Networks That Feel Real

Authentic networking pays dividends in unexpected ways. Those genuine bonds become your safety net during job hunts or business slumps. I've leaned on a contact from a casual coffee meetup when I needed advice on negotiating a salary - she didn't just give tips; she shared her own negotiation script, tailored to Nigerian corporate norms.

Ultimately, the shift from fake to real networking is about patience. It might yield fewer immediate wins, but the ones you get are deeper and more enduring. In a world that glorifies hustle, choosing authenticity sets you apart. It turns networking from a dreaded task into a rewarding part of career growth.

To wrap up, try this: next time you're at an event or reaching out online, pause before speaking. Ask yourself, 'What would I say if this person were a friend?' Let that guide you. Follow up not with a pitch, but with a shared resource or a question that continues the conversation. Over time, you'll find your network isn't just bigger - it's better, built on trust that withstands the test of time.